Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

This blog is an absolute inner struggle between who I think I am and who God intended for me to be. You must know this first, my personality. My personality is one of which the first question that pops into my head when options are presented to me are "Which one would be the most fun?". I love having fun, I love laughing, I love loud noises and bright colors. Its who I am. Which might explain why I took the career route that requires glitter the most. My mom told me that when I was younger the way she motivated me to do any chores was to motivate me with fun. She said that she would ask me to clean my room and I would tell her I would but then she said I always took my sweet time with it. Well then I would want to go to the mall with some friends and I would beg her to go and she would say "sure, clean your room and you can go" and then WHOOSH my room would get cleaned like the Queen was coming for a visit. So this whole paragraph was just to explain my personalit...

So here comes the part in my journey where I lay down my identity as the angry feminist that you know not to mess with and pick up my cross. I have been avoiding reading this book because I don't want to be "generalized" as a woman. Having two people think they know what it takes to be a woman and what drives women sounds a little foolish to me and I avoided it to avoid getting frustrated and angry. Well, God is good. After some times weeding through some pain and disappointment and God calling me out I have decided to let go of anger. It doesn't belong in my life. I need to begin to look at men and women through the eyes of love, through the eyes that God intended. Well as I open this book it begins. Oddly enough the book started with talking about all different types of women. Working women, motherly women, sporty women, that non of us are the same. So that was kinda a petting session to my feminist mind. But then it lead into how the Christian society has r...

Its hard to explain everything I feel when it comes to you. Its like at first is when I felt the most peace because I realized you were safe and with God. Laughing and playing and surrounded by incomprehensible love. Its like I knew it was better for you than anything this world had to offer but as time has gone on my thoughts have focused on wanting you back. People are still slowly finding out and giving me their condolences. The only thing I want to bring them is comfort, even though they are trying to comfort me I know how much they must be hurting as well because you were unforgettable. Its like I can handle talking about you for so long before I know a breakdown is coming. Ill be working and everything will be fine and then something will trigger and then I will be in the bathroom praying my life back together. I cannot have this happening on sets ROBERT! Writing to you really helps me. I pretend that you are either answering me or making fun of me. All of my memories of yo...

I am talking about you, you, you, you and oh crap, me. God has been trying out this new thing with me where he slaps me across the face with goodness. Its like the type of slap where you stumble backwards, grab your face and then run and hug Him. For those of you who haven't felt an underlying feeling through my blog, I have a problem being a little bit angry with men. I am not going to go in depth into all the reasons, that is not what this blog is about. But I have been going to counseling for the past month or so for my issues. My counselor is amazing, she is so soft and understanding with me and didn't look at me weird last week when I turned into a bubbling weakness basket full of tears. Well last rewind to a couple weeks ago when I was at Bethel. Bill Johnson was speaking on  reading the Bible through the eyes of love and if it is not done so then it can often get skewed and turned into something its not. Well he focused on the verse that speaks about a woman submit...

Dangit. So I have known since 11 this morning that I was to write this today and I have been putting it off all day because it is somewhat exhausting spilling a hearts worth of emotions into words. But here I am, just for you, sitting to write. So I have been going to this church Bethel lately and I am pretty sure I have mentioned it in earlier blogs. If not, I will just give you the quick version of my history with Bethel. I grew up in a super conservative church, not much freedom with God. Then there is Bethel..... where the freedom is uncompromisable. So considering my childhood church and the mindset it gave me all I did was judge Bethel and those who went there. They were too comfortable in front of God, from what I was taught He was looking down on you waiting for you to step out of line and then punish you. So Bethel needed to be punished for all of their weirdos. haha. Well as time went on I came to the realization that I am a weirdo and if my relationship with God was goin...

Ok, I don't exactly know where to go with this but I felt lead to write it so I am going to spew out some words on this page. A few nights ago I was invited to go to a show at a local coffee shop in town. At first I wasn't going to go because I knew that if I went I would have to interact with people... most specifically... guys. Don't get me wrong here everyone, I love me so guys. But, when it comes to talking to them I find myself a little "who invited the homeschool girl" with what I say. Not because I am boring or sheltered in someway, but because I clearly have no idea was social appropriateness is about. I wish I could think of an example off the top of my head, but considering its late I might have already laid my brain down to sleep, got it its warm milk and tucked it in. I am sure that my mom can think up some funny interactions with boys, you know the kind of interactions that later she has to convince them that she did NOT lock me in a broom closet wi...

As my tears find the pillow that prop my defeating thoughts I grasp the words of my God and hope they seep into my heart As I hear laughter afar and see the blush fill faces to only see love that for me, has never been tasted my pain brings me here where you find your comfort it is through my suffering that you find your strength to move on my tired heart wants rest I pray patience to wait for whats best Lord I feel torchured to spend another winter holding myself building myself for the man who has not appeared i lay in bed my hands cold from the isolation of the one who is missing come find my hands hold them till they wrinkle let them grow old in your embrace kiss them and love them for they have held nothing tighter than to the promise that you will come as I lay in this bed the covers resting on my pain I ask you Lord what do I have to gain? 10 more years of attending weddings all alone to cheer those on for what life brings them t...