Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

Its hard to explain everything I feel when it comes to you. Its like at first is when I felt the most peace because I realized you were safe and with God. Laughing and playing and surrounded by incomprehensible love. Its like I knew it was better for you than anything this world had to offer but as time has gone on my thoughts have focused on wanting you back. People are still slowly finding out and giving me their condolences. The only thing I want to bring them is comfort, even though they are trying to comfort me I know how much they must be hurting as well because you were unforgettable. Its like I can handle talking about you for so long before I know a breakdown is coming. Ill be working and everything will be fine and then something will trigger and then I will be in the bathroom praying my life back together. I cannot have this happening on sets ROBERT! Writing to you really helps me. I pretend that you are either answering me or making fun of me. All of my memories of yo...

I am talking about you, you, you, you and oh crap, me. God has been trying out this new thing with me where he slaps me across the face with goodness. Its like the type of slap where you stumble backwards, grab your face and then run and hug Him. For those of you who haven't felt an underlying feeling through my blog, I have a problem being a little bit angry with men. I am not going to go in depth into all the reasons, that is not what this blog is about. But I have been going to counseling for the past month or so for my issues. My counselor is amazing, she is so soft and understanding with me and didn't look at me weird last week when I turned into a bubbling weakness basket full of tears. Well last rewind to a couple weeks ago when I was at Bethel. Bill Johnson was speaking on  reading the Bible through the eyes of love and if it is not done so then it can often get skewed and turned into something its not. Well he focused on the verse that speaks about a woman submit...

Dangit. So I have known since 11 this morning that I was to write this today and I have been putting it off all day because it is somewhat exhausting spilling a hearts worth of emotions into words. But here I am, just for you, sitting to write. So I have been going to this church Bethel lately and I am pretty sure I have mentioned it in earlier blogs. If not, I will just give you the quick version of my history with Bethel. I grew up in a super conservative church, not much freedom with God. Then there is Bethel..... where the freedom is uncompromisable. So considering my childhood church and the mindset it gave me all I did was judge Bethel and those who went there. They were too comfortable in front of God, from what I was taught He was looking down on you waiting for you to step out of line and then punish you. So Bethel needed to be punished for all of their weirdos. haha. Well as time went on I came to the realization that I am a weirdo and if my relationship with God was goin...

Ok, I don't exactly know where to go with this but I felt lead to write it so I am going to spew out some words on this page. A few nights ago I was invited to go to a show at a local coffee shop in town. At first I wasn't going to go because I knew that if I went I would have to interact with people... most specifically... guys. Don't get me wrong here everyone, I love me so guys. But, when it comes to talking to them I find myself a little "who invited the homeschool girl" with what I say. Not because I am boring or sheltered in someway, but because I clearly have no idea was social appropriateness is about. I wish I could think of an example off the top of my head, but considering its late I might have already laid my brain down to sleep, got it its warm milk and tucked it in. I am sure that my mom can think up some funny interactions with boys, you know the kind of interactions that later she has to convince them that she did NOT lock me in a broom closet wi...

As my tears find the pillow that prop my defeating thoughts I grasp the words of my God and hope they seep into my heart As I hear laughter afar and see the blush fill faces to only see love that for me, has never been tasted my pain brings me here where you find your comfort it is through my suffering that you find your strength to move on my tired heart wants rest I pray patience to wait for whats best Lord I feel torchured to spend another winter holding myself building myself for the man who has not appeared i lay in bed my hands cold from the isolation of the one who is missing come find my hands hold them till they wrinkle let them grow old in your embrace kiss them and love them for they have held nothing tighter than to the promise that you will come as I lay in this bed the covers resting on my pain I ask you Lord what do I have to gain? 10 more years of attending weddings all alone to cheer those on for what life brings them t...

Got your attention huh? Well this has nothing to do with me thinking that God is a monster. I'll just let you know that now. So if you are an atheist that is drooling at the possibility of me not believing anymore I will just say now, you are going to be disappointed.  I have been reading Donald Millers books lately. I read a million miles in a thousand years and then am currently finishing blue like jazz. In recent pages he is talking about the "fear of the Lord". This has been much discussion within the Christian community, esp the new Christians not totally down with the thought of fearing something they just subscribed to. So years of processing, discussing, reading, and experiencing I think I have found a way to describe for myself. I am not claiming this truth for everyone, but this is what it means to me at this point. I often lay in bed and let my imagination get the best of me. I dream up things so far outside of reality that it hasn't yet even been see...

Alright, I had an opportunity to catch a ride with a friend to Reno this weekend to go visit a friend. If I were to be completely honest here, I really wanted to just go see Reno. I hadn't been there since I was nine and I wanted to see if my opinion of it was any different. I remember it being this wannabe Vegas that somehow contracted moldy AIDS so needless to say if there was a possibility of me changing my mind then I would take it. Welp, it was exactly how I remember. This sad depressing town that had only a whisper of joy and laughter. Something probably only created by substances and gambling. While in this casino filled wasteland my friend decided to hit up some slot machines. Now I feel the same about gambling as I do about Reno. I dislike. BUT, I thought maybe I was doing wrong, since I am the personality type that would really like it. So I decided to give it another try. Now correct me if I am wrong but what the hell is the fun in putting a $20 in a slot machine and j...