Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

Well,  needless to say the past week has been a gut wrenching, devastating week. The pain in my chest is pretty consistent. Even though I feel like God and Robert talk to me and comfort me everyday, it doesn't relieve the pain in my heart. Its the discomfort that you know used to be in place, but now, through the death, has popped out of place. It is an interesting feeling when you know what it used to be like to have a joyful heart and now have a sorrowful one. I thank God and my family for being constant supports, but also all the people that have messaged me. The people that I thought were going to be there to take care of me are SO different than the people that showed up. Nothing wrong with that per say, but just odd. But maybe God needed it to be odd. I donno. I am a little concerned for my sanity though. I feel like I am hearing Robert just as much as I am hearing God. Now Robert is always talking about things that are just pointing me to God. So I don't know if this i...

Received news today about my brother that has been struggling with addiction for about 5 years now. He had checked into another treatment center yesterday but then this morning his roommates couldn't wake him up this morning and they had found out that he had passed. My mother pulled me and my sister out of yoga class and told us the news. Needless to say we were mortified. It wasn't 5 mins later God started spreaking. God, first and foremost told me He was with me. He was all around me, there was no where that my pain was where God was not. He then gave me a vision of Robert. It was like God was standing in front of me and then Robert popped out from behind Him. So filled with joy and laughter. God made it clear that it was the type of joy he would never receive on earth. It comforted me. God then said "This time, I wanted him". God had told me that He wanted Robert back. He had created Robert and this time He was going to take him. The tears continued but...

I guess I should start this one out by saying. Well. hmm. As I spend more and more time with God everyday I can begin to recognize the fruits of His spirit in me. I can see where He is helping, working and encouraging. I cannot begin to describe how grateful I am for God and His works in my life. But my only problem with this is that its His work in MY life. ME ME ME. There are a few prayers that I have prayed in my life that God has taken a hold of and at times made me regret praying it. The first one that I can really remember was "Break my heart for what breaks Yours". I mean honestly, I guess that was totally my doing, just asking for it. So then began the tears, coming along side those who were in pain, trying to "fix" things. That then turned into codependency, which then turned into a weekly support ground called alanon, which forever has changed my life. That is not really the point. It gave me a new understanding of Gods heart. I couldn't drive by a ...

I take comfort in reading many blogs. The reason being is because it doesn't seem like anyones road with God is easy. I am not asking for an easy road though, I can handle what is thrown at me. But what I crave is a better understanding of God. Seeing His place, His hand in the mist of it all. I have had many people tell me "one time I was going through this really hard time and I got this verse in my head and I went to it and it was exactly what I was going through, it was such a divine moment with God". Apparently I am a spoiled brat, cause clearly I am super excited for whoever is telling me this but my next question to them would always be "how many times has that happened to you?" there response "once". Uh oh. I felt like my relationship with God always needed more and more and more. Was I worshiping enough? Was I listening enough? Because when people would tell me these beautiful stories of insight into peoples lives, or prayers they had praye...

Its a really scary feeling when you take a step back and look into your life and see that the only real thing that is keeping you alive is hope. When I think about the situations in my life and how hopeless they seem I wonder what it is that is keeping them hopeful. I realize that its God. God is the only thing that is pouring hope into each situation in my life, He is the one that gives me the energy and the drive to work through each situation with a steady pace. It worries me that it scares me that its God that is doing it. Of course as a prideful stubborn human being I want to be the one keeping my life afloat. But it is most defiantly God. The reason that worries me is because if I begin to separate myself from sitting in His presence, writing to Him, praying to Him, learning about Him, then most certainly my hope will dissipate. My friend Meegan was online the other week and we began chatting, the normal chats such as "how are you?" or "Any new boys in your li...

"Oh you of little faith" That was written to me. I feel like I am growing and growing and growing with the Lord and then BOOM. "You of little faith". What I am realizing is I can have all the faith in the world but when I don't get what I want..... then its back into my hands. See I prayed a while back "God give me the faith that brings me to my knees" Which was practically asking "God strip away everything that I am comfortable with and see if I still love you". I felt like I was doing pretty well at accepting Gods will over mine. You know the whole moving back to redding, being poor, not having my best friends here, no industry here, feeling like I gave up my career and basically everything that makes my heart pitter patter. But now I am realizing, when God starts to take all those away, what does my heart pitter patter for? Is it God? Or do I long for those things of which I knew? Well let me just answer that for you. I CLEARLY long for al...

I don't even know how to start this one. Maybe ill just say "OUCH!" because that is what sparked it all. I think I have talked about in blogs past how I have struggled with a ongoing back injury since 2009. It is usually pretty tame but when it flares up it KILLS me! Well anyways I got a massage a little over a week ago from this woman named Shandy. My mom and sister have gone to her a couple of times and have told me the horrible stories of the painful things she does in order to relieve muscles of the pain. Well I went to her last week, sweating profusely before I even got there cause I was so nervous and she assured me that if I just communicate with her that she would do it lightly. Well after I got done I walked out like a dog with its tail between its legs because it was so painful, like I had bruises all over my back. But as she was massaging me she wast telling me there were numerous types of stress that our muscles hold onto. She said mine was emotional stress th...