Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

I want an adventure Do you hear me? I want an adventure. Not one that can be drawn on a map the kind where you lose the feather in your hat I want an adventure that goes off the paper Out of the mind Into the dark out from the depths into the steps of something unseen I want an adventure One that draws me to my knees where I stare into risk and laugh humbly because its what I welcome cause I thrive when a stale life leaves I want to hunt down my adventure capture it by surprise have it guide me by every starting sunrise I want to shatter the norm I want to run to escaping I want to dance with the wind only if it leads me to adventure I want adventure I want to sharpen my stick with a knife And then chase after animals Like I had intentions I want to have a piece of buckwheat out of my mouth at all times I want venture into every hazard I want to take chances that eventually turns into songs that I write about how I met my love I want to gamble through my possessions so one day ill have...

I am not going to try and make sense right now. I am processing through so freaking much that I am sure this blog is just going to be as jumbled as my brain. Alright, I guess I will start with the season I am in right now. The season of not understanding. I am a person that likes to understand everything so I can see what control I have. I am a person that likes to have control. Which I think is the biggest curse when it comes to having faith because time and time again I am discounting God and putting Him in a box when it comes to faith. Because when miracles happen or something out of the ordinary my only answer is God? That doesn't make sense to someone who wants to make sense of everything. It is easier for me to think something is a coincidence than give God credit. A little weird I know, but thats my personality I suppose. Anyways. I take the steps God asked me to without any understanding of why He has me here, and in an odd way I didn't spend much time asking why. Oddly...

"Come with me and be my love, and we will all life's pleasures prove" -Christopher Marlowe Verbal breakage. How many times have we been promised love and have never felt its embrace. Often times I have a hard time telling someone I love them, but it is my duty to prove it to them so there doesn't NEED to be a verbal affirmation. Time after time I have been enthralled with what you say, but disappointed in what you do. Oh how well you present yourself to me, in language more seductive than its meaning. I have given truth to your lies. What you don't realize. Is that when you say one thing and do another, you are lying. You are falling short of your words. Someone said to me the other day "How do you know someone is following God? You see fruit"-- obviously don't take this literal. But you see the works God is doing in them. How do you know someone is genuine? You don't even have to hear the person tell you they love you because their actions are e...

Oh how I have underestimated your abilities. Time after time have I been mad at you, or trying my best to protect you when you have been the one protecting me. I have stood back and been the one to watch "love". I've watched it in my parents, in my sisters relationships, my friends, my grandparents, movies and boys. And oh boy how that will fuck you up. My opinion of love was given to me by other people, and as much as I want to blame it on everyone else, its where I personally messed up. I should have this whole time been praying to God on what love is to truly look like. This world will always disappoint and fall short of my expectations. Because let me break down what I saw. Parents- Love is an agreement. An agreement to stay in love. Almost like a business partnership. They didn't ever hold hands, kiss, or even go any where just them, it was always about the family. Like they met each other and realized that between their two traits they could raise some pretty aw...

Whats done is done. I talked to my roommate about moving back yesterday and she said she already knew it was coming. She had a dream about it 3 weeks ago and was just waiting for me to finally get it. Kinda frustrating. Well I am going to keep this short, I have just been praying about what this is going to look like and more specifically where i would be living and I got Romans 8:1-17 I think its talking about my surrendering to even agree to come back here. I donno. Ill blog more tomorrow.

This one goes out to the girls. The girls who always heard about beauty but never matched it. The girls who saw love but never experienced it. The girls who sat and listened to those who were being pursued. This is for you. Its not your fault. Its not your fault nobody is thinking about you when they spout off about the blonde at the coffee shop, or your best friend and how beautiful she is. I know the feeling. All through high school I was the girl that you talked to about other girls. I was the one who sat there and nodded her head while my mind raced with all the things I didn't have that these other girls did. I was the girl that answered the phone when she broke up with you. I was the girl that gave you a "break-up basket" full of tools on how to move on.... AND IT WAS A TEENAGE RELATIONSHIP! Like you know what love is. My learned perception of being loved is being beautiful. this is for you if you've ever had this conversation boy-"I want to marry that girl...

As my life has been shooting forward, way faster than I had intended I find myself grasping the ground, scraping my nails across the pavement trying to slow down and understand what the HELL is going on. Gods plan for me is clearly different then the plan I had for me, which is really difficult to accept. Not that God hasn't shown me things I could have never seen on my own, but I guess I though God cared about earthly things just a little, just enough to make me feel successful. What does it feel like to feel successful in Gods eyes? Is it a heartwarming feeling? Is it a powerful feeling? Is it a weakened feeling? Is it a loved feeling? It is something I can create without Him? Because Lord knows I will try. Coming home for my birthday I had few expectations. I knew I would see my family and friends, celebrate my birthday, get some laughs, try and refuel and then head back to the land of reality. But no, my heart decided to do some work on its own. I cannot describe the feeling th...