Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

"Come with me and be my love, and we will all life's pleasures prove" -Christopher Marlowe Verbal breakage. How many times have we been promised love and have never felt its embrace. Often times I have a hard time telling someone I love them, but it is my duty to prove it to them so there doesn't NEED to be a verbal affirmation. Time after time I have been enthralled with what you say, but disappointed in what you do. Oh how well you present yourself to me, in language more seductive than its meaning. I have given truth to your lies. What you don't realize. Is that when you say one thing and do another, you are lying. You are falling short of your words. Someone said to me the other day "How do you know someone is following God? You see fruit"-- obviously don't take this literal. But you see the works God is doing in them. How do you know someone is genuine? You don't even have to hear the person tell you they love you because their actions are e...

Oh how I have underestimated your abilities. Time after time have I been mad at you, or trying my best to protect you when you have been the one protecting me. I have stood back and been the one to watch "love". I've watched it in my parents, in my sisters relationships, my friends, my grandparents, movies and boys. And oh boy how that will fuck you up. My opinion of love was given to me by other people, and as much as I want to blame it on everyone else, its where I personally messed up. I should have this whole time been praying to God on what love is to truly look like. This world will always disappoint and fall short of my expectations. Because let me break down what I saw. Parents- Love is an agreement. An agreement to stay in love. Almost like a business partnership. They didn't ever hold hands, kiss, or even go any where just them, it was always about the family. Like they met each other and realized that between their two traits they could raise some pretty aw...

Whats done is done. I talked to my roommate about moving back yesterday and she said she already knew it was coming. She had a dream about it 3 weeks ago and was just waiting for me to finally get it. Kinda frustrating. Well I am going to keep this short, I have just been praying about what this is going to look like and more specifically where i would be living and I got Romans 8:1-17 I think its talking about my surrendering to even agree to come back here. I donno. Ill blog more tomorrow.

This one goes out to the girls. The girls who always heard about beauty but never matched it. The girls who saw love but never experienced it. The girls who sat and listened to those who were being pursued. This is for you. Its not your fault. Its not your fault nobody is thinking about you when they spout off about the blonde at the coffee shop, or your best friend and how beautiful she is. I know the feeling. All through high school I was the girl that you talked to about other girls. I was the one who sat there and nodded her head while my mind raced with all the things I didn't have that these other girls did. I was the girl that answered the phone when she broke up with you. I was the girl that gave you a "break-up basket" full of tools on how to move on.... AND IT WAS A TEENAGE RELATIONSHIP! Like you know what love is. My learned perception of being loved is being beautiful. this is for you if you've ever had this conversation boy-"I want to marry that girl...

As my life has been shooting forward, way faster than I had intended I find myself grasping the ground, scraping my nails across the pavement trying to slow down and understand what the HELL is going on. Gods plan for me is clearly different then the plan I had for me, which is really difficult to accept. Not that God hasn't shown me things I could have never seen on my own, but I guess I though God cared about earthly things just a little, just enough to make me feel successful. What does it feel like to feel successful in Gods eyes? Is it a heartwarming feeling? Is it a powerful feeling? Is it a weakened feeling? Is it a loved feeling? It is something I can create without Him? Because Lord knows I will try. Coming home for my birthday I had few expectations. I knew I would see my family and friends, celebrate my birthday, get some laughs, try and refuel and then head back to the land of reality. But no, my heart decided to do some work on its own. I cannot describe the feeling th...

I was talking to my Pastor the other day and he asked me the question about my blog, he asked "What process do you feel you are in to finding a loved one?". He said that he noticed the main theme of most of my blogs is that of finding someone to love. I was kind of taken back by this because here I am walking around thinking that my blogs are so empowering and talking about things so important. And here I am hit with the reality I talk about my struggles with love. Not that love isn't an important subject to talk about, but its like "really, im another girl that comes on and complains about love". The only thing I have to complain about is that I can't fully pour my love into someone. It has been proven time and time again that no one can handle it. Especially without me getting hurt in the long run. I want to trust people so quickly, but then I am hit with the reality that people always fail me. Always, its like I walk around expecting that one person not t...

I read this quote the other day that said "God gave your heart to someone already and we go on a journey to find it" I am going to have to say I disagree with this. Since I can remember I have been walking around with my heart not on my sleeve, in my hands, I hand it around almost if I am sharing a toy. I am realizing that I cannot stop this, I cannot contain it, I cannot deny it. Its the way I was born, God appointed me this way. And so much of my life I have been mad at God for that but the more I am hurt and disappointed that people don't care about my heart as much as I do, I realize that God needs me this way. Yea I might get hurt, ALOT, but if I am helping people by opening my heart to them at all times then what a true blessing that is for me. My earthly self wants to cry and pout every time my heart hurts, but I should take joy in the pain. Because one day the pain will fade, and the glory will come. It will all have been worth it. I read out of the Bible the othe...