Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

So I think I am at the age where I want to figure things out on my own. Never before that I thought the majority of my information or opinions has been given to me by my family. I mean if a friend didn't do "this" they were a bad friend and I shouldn't be friends with them anymore and they weren't worth my time (which there is NO one not worth my time) I hate the word "worth and time". And it was even worse when it came to guys. I mean this time I didn't even tell them anything about the guy I met and they were already "be careful, dont have sex with him, i dont trust men" (wonder where my trust issues with guys came from) and just basically negative thoughts about it from the beginning. Which makes me question everything. All the worries I have about relationships I think were given to me by everyone else. Honestly. I wonder if these are really my issues or everyone elses given to me. -----ill continue this later.

Am I the product of brainwash? Am I the perfectly normal? Am I the mirror image of the things I hate? If I am, is it too late? I went on a date recently and it all happened how I have wanted it to happen. We met. We talked. We clicked. He got my number. He asked me on a date. We went on a great date. He asked me on a second. So organic in my opinion. I think of the 40's and 50's and think of how things were then. Or how they were portrait to be then. Where all feelings were real, time was short, and love was alive. Now it seems like feelings are hidden, time is lost, and love is failing. Do we know what to blame it on? Or is there anything to blame but ourselves? How have we, I, gotten so cowardish? It seemed to be if you wanted something you got it, or it was gone. Now if you want something you blog about it, and hope for a "big break" or for the right person to pay attention. Has society told me that if he doesnt call the next day, texted, or facebooked that he is n...

So seems that my life has been a rollercoaster of faith. I try to keep sight of God and his work in and out of my life. I can surely celebrate the moments that I see his reward but the moments where I don't see sight of work soon is surely discouraging. And God, I do not resent you for your movement, whether I think its slower than I anticipated. I find progression to be a test in patience. Some days I feel as if I am no closer to my goals, now that may be a lie straight from the whispers of the devil. But its the day by day and wondering if God still has his thumb print in my life and if I am reflecting his work. Chelsea is moving home at the beginning of next month and boy does that just rip a wound right open. She's my best friend and when I followed God's confirmation for us to move in together He really knew what He was doing. But did I know what I was doing? Because I am such a relational person and could spend my days surrounded by people and go to sleep feeling full...

Now jobless I claim to want to live the grand adventure of God. But still with my own fears still very much in tact I guess I suppose I expected God to work around them. You know, like work on my level of knowledge and understanding. Well all too quickly when I turn to my Bible am I hit with the fact that the "Adventure" i'm asking for is all too safe for what God truly wants for me and my life. I mean I have known for all too long what God wants me to do and the exact fear embedded right in the middle of that dream God has for me. I want to think of myself as this bad ass fearless human being that doesnt give a damn what anyone thinks, yet here I am, still sitting in the same shell, no hurry to crack myself out of it. Don't get me wrong, I can do things publicly that I know I am no good at, like sing loudly, dance oddly, paint stick figures, make stupid "thats what she said" jokes, I can do all that without care. But when I think of what makes me happiest.....

Why would I possibly want to bring a guy into this mess?

You have made the rain fall and pulled the rainbow from the ground now mend this broken heart You have set lives free you have made nations roar now hold my broken soul You have spoken using objects you have whispered hope to generations now carry me to safety You have healed the diseased you have made the blind see now help my hopeless thoughts You have moved mountains flung stars from your fingertips now stampede me with your love You have traveled countless miles by foot you have walked on water now walk me through despair You have fed the homeless you have befriended the outcasts now catch these tears You have made food from flesh you have made wine from your blood now shine on me with grace You have warmed the hearts of murderers you have set slaves free now show me you love me You have been nailed to a cross you have been whipped within breaths of your life now numb my pain You have loved the loveless you have given life to the dead now show me life again I pray upon your power t...

Nothing. I currently have nothing to offer. I have fear built up so high that im afraid ill never see the other side.. You know the side you made me for? Bricks, they consume my life. Faith. Brick. Insecurity. Brick. Hurt. Brick. Disbelief. Brick. Pain. Brick. Weight. Brick. Height. Brick. Hair color, eye color, wealthy, voice, discipline, personality. BRICK BRICK BRICK. Instead of standing there at my wall figuring out how to get over it, how to break it down, ive simply, walked away. I feel it behind me begging for relief, begging to be broken as if the ground couldnt hold it any longer. I look back, I stare, I cant. Tomorrow. 5 less pounds. Bigger boobs. More talent. More encouragement. A bigger sign. This is what I tell myself as I walk away. This isnt life. Im living inside of a fear. A fear that controls my everyday, the fear that I might have to step up and be what i was made for. The fear you will like me just the way I am.