Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

The fear that takes you, shakes you awake from your sleep, even though I pray Lord my soul to keep. The fear that stops you dead in your tracts, believing all that your talents lacks. The fear that will spin you with your eyes wide open, watchin life pass by, as you try to fall around the ground to find some balance. The fear that shows you the warnings of love, not sure whether to push or to shove, me back into that place with You. Sanity, Safety, Give me these things that I know, these familiar things I once had, before I had a dream. The dream to be great, to live for a purpose, the dream to speak your wisdom, to step on stage with no nervousness. The fear inviting itself, flaunting itself, forcing its presence into my dreams. leaving me wondering "what does this mean?" Thrown and thrashed, kicked and assaulted. Bruised and battered chopped into pieces. But with the power of the fear, and the strength of its forces, ill still walk on ill still keep my courses. With God as ...

I was watching Forest Gump the other night, I havent watched that movie in probably 4 years, its been a long long while. Well I was watching the part when they put on his leg braces and how he struggled to walk, but got used to the struggle. How he would get picked on, made fun of, rocks literally thrown at him. When he has rocks thrown at him he didnt yell, he didnt start to run, he stared at the kids throwing them. He had a confused look in his eyes. He didnt know why these kids were being so mean to him. Then Jenny tells him to run. She first just says it as a suggestion, then she says it a little more stern, then she starts yelling it. RUN FOREST RUN!!! FOREST RUN!! Then he ran like he didnt realize his braces, he took chances that he could hurt himself a lot of these braces came off, he ran with intensity and faith that he was going to be ok. So weird how just little stupid moments in our lives such as watching a movie can profoundly make a statement. I know that it is God weeding...

I have officially reached my 1 month mark of living in LA again. Im gonna go ahead and say its been very hard. Not having a lot of friends, no more connections it seems like. Im back at square 1. I feel like im putting effort into the wrong things, but God where do I start? Do you really want me to go knocking on the doors of agents? Where do I find agents? The thing that tears me apart is I know I cant ask you to just bring everything together for me. That would be unfair right? I need money. My mom has taught me not to pray for a job, but rather for money. Here I am praying for money. PLEASE GIVE ME MONEY!!!

It feels like my outer shell is breaking. My yolk is oozing out My insides about to hit the frying pan Im hovering The most of me keeping me dangling I can feel the heat asking for me The crack in my shell is spidering But as the yolk I cannot for a support I rely solely on my shell Hey you there Can you help me out? Oh crap you are frying sizzling with no life How do I find my way out of this? How do I keep myself from burning?

Ive been here a little over a week and its been one of the most confusing weeks of my life. I want to trust that God will take care of me because He is the one that wants me here, but 7 hours this week? How am I being taken care of with that? How is God gonna come through for me because I cant see it. I feel bad for saying that, but im so scared. There have maybe been 3 days that ive been here that I havent cried. I just feel alone, scary, lost, like im walking around with a blindfold on. Almost like God is my blindfold, because it hasnt been revealed to me what I am supposed to do about money. I spent most of today walking around by myself just window shopping. Trying to figure out what to do. I mean honestly what do I do when the end of next month rolls around? I dont even know. Am I am not helping myself by going out to lunch with people I havent seen in so long, I cant really afford it. Like my friend today who was having a really bad time and called me up crying, she shows up to l...

First day of work..... no good. Second day of work.... a little better Third day of work..... not too bad As I was driving back from a frustrating experience at Ikea I was in traffic thinking about how I wanted to hurry and get home so I have time to run and take a shower before work. Then I got kinda annoyed by traffic because it was 2 o'clock. No reason for it. Then it hit me. The last time I lived here I didnt mind traffic one bit, I had no care in the world and I would just roll down my windows and sing and be delighted to be in the city of my dreams. I wasn't feeling that joy right then. What's wrong with me? I know that I have more worries now than I did back then, but what does this mean to me now? I don't want to not love every aspect of LA anymore. But I think back to the nights when I drive into hollywood and I see those bright city lights, and I see those people hustling all trying to get some where, I take great joy and satisfaction knowing that I am where I...

So the big move is coming up in T-minus 2 days. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Pretty much sums it up. I was going through my stuff today and came across old notes and pictures and it would be so easy to go back to those fearless days, when at that age not a whole lot was expected from you. No bills, not a lot of maturity either. But now the only person to push me is me. I know that I have never been very good at that either. I am such a people person but i need to start telling them no. Because a lot of people are gonna want to hang out. there are a lot more people in la then here. backstage west- Sorry just a side note for me in the middle of this. dragon agency/talent beverly hills playhouse I was reading a letter that my parents wrote to me in highschool when I did the every 15 minutes activity. They wrote it as if I had died in a drunk driving accident and it was what they would have wanted to tell me or would say at my funeral. As I read through it I thought to...