Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

Things are so up and down lately. I have had so many bad days, followed with some good days. Which I guess is life right? For some reason when I had a job I didn't want to spend money, but now that I don't have a job or money I am in this permanent shopping craze. Which I need to snap out of quickly or I am really going to get myself in trouble. I just don't know what direction to take right now, and I know that I am certainly not looking at the right source. I mean im kinda happy, but I want that feeling of when I work. I need motivation, drive, passion, but I need to know where to direct it. Right now I feel like im at a dead in, and im waiting for a construction company to come along and pave a road for me. Maybe I need to start paving it myself. I mean one of my favorite sayings is "you don't always need to know where you are going, if you know who you are following" I love that saying. It almost makes you feel like with God on your side you can do no wron...

Everyone writes about how they have "Found THAT boy" or "looking for that ONE person" well newflash women. These men aren't looking for you. We can bend it and fold it as much as we want but they are or were the guys we hated, that denied us before. We have simple have just given up. We don't fight anymore to have it be deserved, if one man that seems to have it all together walks into your life you are going to pull down your pants and take it beause you don't want to LOSE this great man. But reality is, that is what we hated about girls all along. Im getting a man who wants me just as bad. So much damn passion. Ripping of the clothing. Its stupid watching your friends walk away cause "that" guy as walked into there life, which are probably going to just waslk RIGHT back out. But you listen to the plans they have, you listen to the stuff they talk about, and you encourage one another in the relationship, you take no offense when they up and le...

I find it humorous yet sickening when I watch people left and right settle for less. I mean when they are single they talk about all the things they want in a person and then as soon as ANYONE gives them attention that grasp it like they are never gonna get another chance. They talk themselves into telling themselves they are happy, or whatever and shit. Its just funny watching it happen all the time, and then the majority of the time it ends up being one big messy joke, or they go back and forth for years in this completely not meant to be together effed up relationship. Is it really that important? I mean I understand wanting a boyfriend, or attention, but I guess I have never wanted it enough to settle, like REALLY settle. To have something that I completely don't want. Maybe im actually missing out on something, like forced feelings, or happiness. Maybe there is something there that everyone is actually enjoying and I am sitting back counting down the seconds until one of them ...

It will take time to get over, but it will happen for me. I deserve well. I am a good person and deserve well. I don't want to be so angry because I do not get what I deserve. Right now, God and I our our only best friend. We know what is best for us and therefor will fight to do what is best for us. I miss us. People tell me to stop worrying that Robert will do to me what Sean did. Not that I feel the same way about them, because I feel so different about Robert than i did about Sean. Sean I felt was actual love. But I do feel like one day Robert will walk away from me like Sean did. I will do something, say something, something will happen and Robert will walk away. I can't help but feel it, I mean he has shut other people out of his life, what makes me so different? So I am getting ready for it. I don't think anyone can actually ever be fully equipped to have someone walk away, but I will try my best? Actually im not going to waste time on it. So when you tell me to s...

God he is trying so hard. Harder than he has tried before. Give him a break? What more can I do for him? I want to make everything right. I want him to feel more loved then he has before. I want him to be happier than he ever has before. I want him to feel purpose and direction. HOW GOD?!?!?!?! Im willing to give up my money, my car, my time, my job, if I thought it would really help. I want to trade lives with him God, I want the weight lifted off NOW GOD DAMNIT! He can't handle this anymore, I can't handle watching him anymore God. I want him to run back to you God, you are the answers, but God you are so testing of us. Its hard to have faith when nothing is going right, and it feels like you have grown tired of looking after us. Where are you now God? SHOW YOURSELF IN AMAZING WAYS! Let no one in his life be able to deny the great things you will do for him. Take his heart that is beating painfully each day, take his brain that is fried with thoughts of disappointment and no ...

Non of us had a perfect childhood. No person. We all come out with deformities of the mind. Our perception is never perfect on everything. We all live and learn and some don't learn enough. I have talked to a good friend this week about possibly going to counseling. I view it as a weakness. Which might be a bad perception of the childhood. She said to me "I think we all need counseling. Non of us are perfect, no body knows exactly how to take care of the heart, how to take care of the mind, how to take care of the body, how to take care of one another. Its really not our fault. God helps us with each of these, He helps us even out each weakness we have. To make them stronger. What really is the worst is that the things that happen to us that I feel are never going to be repaired. Like our first real rejection. Our first real big mistake. Our first real dive into wrong decisions. But lets start with our first real love. Call it love. Call it stupidity. It still hurts. Sean, To ...

So I was at the Bethel prayer chapel last night and wrote this little tid bit about hope. About how if God were to give me nothing else I pray He gives me hope. Hope through it all. Hope that he knows what He is doing. Well then I realized I don't really take him up on that. That if I truely wanted it I need to live it. Well fear is almost opposite of hope right? I live in fear. In great, deep, undeniable fear. Fear of never finding love. Never finding someone that is gonna love me for who I am. Just plain never finding anyone and ending up alone. Its sad to say and unfair to say that any affection shown towards me can be taken sometimes too intensly. I savor it, I want to find more. I don't want to really say its because im a pathetic girl, I think its because im really just scared shitless. Scared shitless that its the last affection I will ever see. I know what your thinking "ok anna, way to be emo" But honestly its something deep in my heart, that throbs, that bur...