Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

Once upon a time there was a girl. This girl lived in an apple orchard and collected apples by way of living. Any time she was hungry she went and picked an apple. Any time she wanted to buy something, she went and traded her apples. Sometimes there were only a few apples to pick and sometimes there were many. So life became pretty predictable and she was comfortable with her orchard. Then came a boy, he was the most handsomest boy. He traveled far and left his home of mostly barren trees. He had his own orchard of apples and plenty of apple seeds to plant more apple trees. They fell in love. They shared their love of freedom in the fields, the love of juicy red apples, the love of trading apples for land, toys, and silly stuff for each other.  They got married. They didn't have too many apples in their orchard in the beginning, but they didn't need them. They had enough to live on their land, enough to eat, enough to trade for the goods and stay happy together. They both h...

It was appointed to you before you were conceived It was woven into your bones It was the fabric that created you Its the inspiration behind everything you do Its the piece of My heart that stays with you always Care, Kindness, Mercy It is a path with pain It is a road with confusion It is a road with suffering They will know you for your kindness They will know you for your mercy They will remember you for your compassion When it is too hard to forgive Take my heart and where it as a cloak over yours When you feel battered and too stubborn to forgive Remember the one who sent you Find strength in the Father Find shelter in My arms When forgiveness is looked as weakness Don't look to the world to confirm your strength Look to me Care is a battlefield In a world of hate Kindess is a weapon That the world does not often see But when it is used in battle It defeats hate It relinquishes hateful ambition and allows for peaceful freedom Forgiveness bre...

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?? I, in many sense, am supposed to be this great Christian girl. That did most of the right things and definitely knew all the right answers. I waited 24 years to date and then I married that man. You know, such a delightful story to the rigid ears of "Christians" looking for a good story to get them off, spiritually of course. "Oh my gosh, what a love story" -If you only heard the story "What a blessing" -Indeed, there has been no hard work involved "When are you going to have cute kids?" -Here, there is my uterus, you just tell me "You and Bobby should be pastors, you are so real" -I feel hidden "I haven't seen you at church in a while" -I have life outside of church. shit. Just to preface this blog, as I usually like to preface before I am about to spew out something that will make me sound or look terrible. I am a professional makeup artist and I just flew from California...

Before I go into explaining the way that I feel, I should let you know some things about me. I LOVE WOMEN. Like I love everything about them. I love their gentleness, mixed with their fierceness, sprinkled with their curiousity, and there soft hearts. I love sitting and chatting with them, going shopping with them, working through difficult situations with them, dancing with them, having girls night etc. Having solid friendships with women have been a huge part of my life. I pursue them, encourage them, challenge them, and lay my life down for the women who have done the same for me. Now, lets move onto marriage. My husband, my partner, my love. I cannot imagine life without him, nor do I need to. Bobby is by far one of my favorite people on the planet and I spend most of my time with him. However, since day one, he knew about my deep need for girlfriends. My nights to get dinner and chat, watch the Kardashians for hours, paint toenails (again) and the hour long phone calls/face time. ...

And as I went to run out the door, find the beach and pretend to give my problems to the wind, He said "it is time to find peace and serenity in your home" So here I am. In an empty, half-way cleaned house wondering, oh why am I here? Not like why am I on this earth, like the teenage questions which have already been answered. But like why am I here? Like sitting in my room, at my desk, without worship music, and yet so unsettled. My thoughts have not been my own lately. Like the devil has some how found a leak in the line that goes straight to my thoughts.  "Anna, throw them out, get rid of them, send them away" and like a boomarang they flew right back. I had a second to breath and feel like my self again but then, boom, back in the battle. The battle for my own thoughts? Crazy. Shes crazy Haven't you heard? Shes crazy. and I am I am so crazy in love with Jesus that any thing that gets in the way of me getting to hear my Fathers thoughts about me DRIVES ME CRA...

So it probably wasn't till this last year that I realized how much of a feeler I am. Feeler meaning I can feel energies and people really well. Bobby could wake up in the morning and I could feel if he didn't sleep well, or I always can feel when he is being quietly mad with me. I can feel when people's intentions are not good. Or when someone is bullshiting me, especially selling me something. I always just thought it was normal, but my mom made me realize what a gift it is and not everyone has this gift. Well in coming into better understanding of this gift, I now can begin to understand also why I can get so upset or affected by something that is dark or violent. I have to be careful of what I expose myself to because I can take on the energy or the feeling if I am not being careful. It also explains why I can cry so quickly when I feel someone's pain. Like when someone is crying, crying with them is not super comforting. Like especially when it has nothing t...

Its quite funny how things are revealed to you when you get a bit older. Or even worse, you realize what a shit head you were when you were younger. Take my trip to Australia and New Zealand for instance. I visited there when I was 16 on a school trip with my drama class. We went EVERYWHERE. Could I list all the cities? No. I just didnt know at the time what an amazing opportunity it was to travel for 15 days. I just looked at it as a fun trip with my drama friends. Now looking back I think what an idiot I was to not take time to really soak in the cities. But I didn't know any better I suppose.  Now when I travel I truely soak it all up. I wake up earlier than I normally do just to get a head start on the day. I dress up so the city can see the best of me, I drink my coffee slower, I walk slower (well depending on the city), and I literally stop to smell the flowers. Then you go home. Something I have noticed about my recent travels is that it gives me perspective. It helps me tak...

Have you ever left something in your car by accident and had to go back out and get it? But looked out into the nigh time darkness and just thought "Nope, never mind". Especially if you are home alone, like, forget whatever the thing is, inhaler, Epipen, cell phone.... you're gonna die regardless. Because surely your murderer is hanging out in, and or, around the car. But when someone is with you its not so scary. I'm not sure if its because there is someone you can shove into harms way in case of a attempted murder, or if its the fact you can look someone in the eye and silently say "Lets get this killin son of a b**ch". I am not sure what it is that makes it so comforting. Maybe just knowing you don't have to face something alone. Well I must say, I am realizing its much more difficult than that when you get married. You would think life would be butterflies and orgasms, but things can be a lot scarier once you are married. Before I got married ...

I might have talked about in the past the fact that I have been diagnosed with PMDD. Pre-menstral Dysforic Disorder. Meaning when that time of the month comes around all the sudden no one texts me back to hang out, no one answer their phones, my family becomes just a memory and everyone is a shit driver. Then there is my husband. My sweet, patient, loving, caring husband. He bears the scratch marks. He is one of the only people who doesn't run from me. But the thing is, I understand why you would run. I don't know if any of you have gone through something so incrediably disturbing. Its like my mind can't pick just one personality. Theres the one who is emotionally charged, cant control the fact that a kitten yawning moves her to tears...... for 2 hours. Then theres the angry "go on, fuck with me" one that can look at anyone and behead them within 2 mins. Thoughts so terrible that if anyone could see what I do to people in my mind I would for sure be in a straight ...

Do you see it? Look closely..... what do you see? You see her shoes (well I see her shoes), the road shes on, the background, oh it looks like the silver car is driving the wrong way, maybe one of the store signs is a cuss word, maybe there is someone jumping from one of the buildings, etc. Did you find it? Often times I have these girls come and confide in me about their relationships. I don't really know why, i've only been in one relationship, I wouldn't consider myself an expert. The thing I hear most often is this hope that whatever relationship they are currently in or beginning will work out.  "I mean yea he smokes but it doesn't bother me that much, he doesn't really do it around me" "Hes not really into texting, hes a lot better in person" "He doesn't really like talking about the future, he likes to live day to day" "but hes good in bed" Sometimes we are so desperate to see something good, pure, astounding, excit...

Recently I started working at a store in Hollywood that has a lot of foot traffic. I am always getting to know a new client and hearing their story. I often ask "what are you getting your makeup done for today?" and then they continue with some story of a lavish party they are going to with a man 10 years younger than them. They tell me about their crazy ex boyfriends, about their obsession with older rich men, and the places they have only got to go to because of the men that they date. It is after they go on about their male issues that they eventually take notice of my wedding ring. They say "Um, are you married? You seem far to young to be married". I say "yes! I got married this year" and then comes "Oh, the honeymoon phase". The months leading up to my wedding I was constantly in a conversation with someone that would say "man, are you sure you are ready? Marriage is hard". Thanks for the encouragement everyone. Btw. I would lis...

Well considering I have written for many years about being alone and waiting for the one that inspires me, I figured I should continue to write about love and being in love. I know that I have been lacking a little on writing about being happy but apparently I like to complain more than I like to talk about how great things are. haha. Typical. Anyways, lets skip forward a bunch and talk about the fact that I am GETTING MARRIED!!!! I cannot stop crying. There are so many parts of me that are overwhelmed, anxious, excited, nervous, and overall freaking out. I got engaged in January and prayed about May 26th and set the date. Everyone kept telling me that is a quick engagement but what they really meant was "are you going to be able to save up ridiculous amounts of money by then?" Well, and leave time for pre marital counseling. Oh, and don't move or make any big life changes in the midst of all of it either because thats just adding stress upon stress. Just FYI. So wh...

Woah. Going from the previous posts for YEARS of complaining or contemplating love to being ENGAGED?! what a jump. I have been totally humbled through this experience because I always had such choice words from those who went so fast in a relationship. That got engaged and married so quickly, I had a timeline for them. I know how I feel about Bobby and I could honestly date him for 2 years 10 years or 10 months just as long as I am with him. I find the things in him that solidify that we can get through any issue. He has shown me in ways that aren't words that He has the living God inside him and with all that I can trust. Oh the faith of that man. We all really know I came to write this to rant right? Right! In most things in life I have known what to expect. I know that when I go to makeup school I would be dealing with makeup and makeup related people. I knew that when I went into a club I would be dancing and maybe sippin some good stuff. I knew that when someone wanted ...

I am not trying to lay out my dirty laundry here but I felt Gods pull for me to write this because some people will relate. We all know what it looks like to fight with our boyfriend/girlfriend, or disagreements I can say. I know that in the past when fighting with close friends that it took one little fight for them to give up. No warning, all the promises in the world put before us but one little fight and they're done. That, obviously, has given me quite a few issues throughout my friendships. Whether it was a feeling of desperation to keep them around (compromising who I am to get them to stay) or it was a feeling of putting myself last so they could feel love I am yet to learn a happy medium between taking care of me and taking care of others the way Christ did. Well having this knowledge I have sought counseling for these issues of abandonment. My longing for love can often come out in a codependent manner and my longing TO love can come out as a "savior complex" ...

Normally when I am pms-ing or as the doctors might call it "pmdd-ing" I like to look at anything and pretend I have lasers for eyes and then imagine the different ways it would explode or rip apart in front of me. I like to yell, I like to self loath, I like to blame and I like to isolate.  Wanna be friends? This time I am going to ATTEMPT to write something about all the things I love and am working towards. If you could only see the keyboard dents I am leaving as I write this. I am trying to embrace the hard. When things get difficult I like to fix it or find a way to get rid of the feeling of "want". Because guess what? When I want something and I cannot have it.... I am no longer having fun. I shut down, I move on, I shift my attention or I pout hardcore. You might assume me to be a brat or spoiled or something, not true. But the problem I have is when I know I COULD have something if I wanted but I have to CHOOSE not to take it. Some might call this ...

Remember that one time I wrote that blog about losing and find of ones self? Then after that blog I was meant to go on about my life realizing that I had lost myself but then I wrote a really long confusing blog about it and in that blog I refound myself and went back to normal. This is me. Lost. Still. You know majority of the time when you tell someone or you hear someone say they are lost our immediate reaction is to help them get to where they are meant to be. Like "turn left at the stop sign and go towards the blue building and I will go stand outside". Or "here read this book, I felt the same way you did one time and I read this book and it changed my life". We all know the feeling. When it is lost.... find it. Well when you live one way your whole life, pretty much knowing who you are and what you want and then switch to not being totally sure, not gonna lie....kinda freeing. Because finally admitting you are lost is pretty much dropping what you had on...

One would think that once you have "found ones self" it would be impossible to "lose ones self". This is my finding and losing of myself. Being the youngest of the family and having an amazing, driven, overacheving older sister, I found it all too easy to hang out in the background. I am not going to pretend that I didnt have a booming personality that often brought me to the forefront but at the same time I didn't seem to mind being in the background during certain seasons of life. Of which little talent is shown little is to be expected. I played tennis along side my sister and yea I was "good" in the eyes of my tennis coaches and other tennis professionals but tennis was my sisters thing. I would never take that from her and I never really wanted it anyways. Oh the matches that could have gone down between us on national TV would have brought quite the tune in though I must say. No one would even know the name Venus and Serena Williams. My parents...

Well I don't know exactly what is going to come out in this blog because I don't have anything in mind to write. I was just worshiping while doing the dishes and I felt God telling me to sit down with the computer. I can think of a couple things in my life that I am going through right now that He is walking me through so I am guessing that is where He is going to take me. Alright, so I have written in blogs previous that I am going to counseling to work on some issues I have with men and boy oh boy (ba dum chh) has it been fun. When I first entered into counseling I was pretty beat up by all the "relationships" I have had in the past. The fear, the pain, the abandonment, the lies, the shallow minded, the objectification, and so on and so on. I wanted to be free of it all, I wanted to know that things get better. That in fact this is not the way to carry on with my brokenness and my "stay the eff away from me" written on my forehead. I knew that it was qui...

This blog might be a little out of date because I have been letting this thought brew in my mind for a little while now. This thought came about when I was talking to someone about whether or not a move back to LA would be good for them and their career. Odd of the conversation to have me telling her to stay in Redding. Not like me Anyways, as we all know I am now living in my hometown now. I came back kicking and screaming from LA but I knew that it was the right move because it became undeniable. There are probably still scratch marks on the road from me moving home. Well as I have been here I have been praying and asking God why I am here and when can I move back? Not that Redding isn't nice, and the people are amazing, but there is no industry here. Well then lately I have been hearing talk of this movie studio coming to redding, that actor that is here checking out my home church, this professor here and teaching classes. Basically these big industry puzzle pieces that are s...

Well tonight is not what I planned for.... thats for sure. I attended the Holiness conference that was put on my Risen King with my roommates and some friends tonight and I was really excited to hear that Kris Vallotton was speaking because he is a really funny guy. He is the lead pastor of the Moral Revolution for Jesus Culture and I have heard numerous of his talks as well as watched my best friends life transformed in a radical way when it comes to sexual purity. Needless to say I have much respect for him. I was expecting to get goodness about staying sexually pure and how to do so and so on and so on, things that I could give practical application to when it comes to my life. But then he said that God woke him up last night and gave him a word that he was to speak on something different. Wholeness. Ok i'm down with hearing about some wholeness. Lord knows I could use some wholeness. At first he was telling very funny stories about childbirth, his wife, his kids, his grandk...