Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

Dangit. So I have known since 11 this morning that I was to write this today and I have been putting it off all day because it is somewhat exhausting spilling a hearts worth of emotions into words. But here I am, just for you, sitting to write. So I have been going to this church Bethel lately and I am pretty sure I have mentioned it in earlier blogs. If not, I will just give you the quick version of my history with Bethel. I grew up in a super conservative church, not much freedom with God. Then there is Bethel..... where the freedom is uncompromisable. So considering my childhood church and the mindset it gave me all I did was judge Bethel and those who went there. They were too comfortable in front of God, from what I was taught He was looking down on you waiting for you to step out of line and then punish you. So Bethel needed to be punished for all of their weirdos. haha. Well as time went on I came to the realization that I am a weirdo and if my relationship with God was goin...

Ok, I don't exactly know where to go with this but I felt lead to write it so I am going to spew out some words on this page. A few nights ago I was invited to go to a show at a local coffee shop in town. At first I wasn't going to go because I knew that if I went I would have to interact with people... most specifically... guys. Don't get me wrong here everyone, I love me so guys. But, when it comes to talking to them I find myself a little "who invited the homeschool girl" with what I say. Not because I am boring or sheltered in someway, but because I clearly have no idea was social appropriateness is about. I wish I could think of an example off the top of my head, but considering its late I might have already laid my brain down to sleep, got it its warm milk and tucked it in. I am sure that my mom can think up some funny interactions with boys, you know the kind of interactions that later she has to convince them that she did NOT lock me in a broom closet wi...

As my tears find the pillow that prop my defeating thoughts I grasp the words of my God and hope they seep into my heart As I hear laughter afar and see the blush fill faces to only see love that for me, has never been tasted my pain brings me here where you find your comfort it is through my suffering that you find your strength to move on my tired heart wants rest I pray patience to wait for whats best Lord I feel torchured to spend another winter holding myself building myself for the man who has not appeared i lay in bed my hands cold from the isolation of the one who is missing come find my hands hold them till they wrinkle let them grow old in your embrace kiss them and love them for they have held nothing tighter than to the promise that you will come as I lay in this bed the covers resting on my pain I ask you Lord what do I have to gain? 10 more years of attending weddings all alone to cheer those on for what life brings them t...

Got your attention huh? Well this has nothing to do with me thinking that God is a monster. I'll just let you know that now. So if you are an atheist that is drooling at the possibility of me not believing anymore I will just say now, you are going to be disappointed.  I have been reading Donald Millers books lately. I read a million miles in a thousand years and then am currently finishing blue like jazz. In recent pages he is talking about the "fear of the Lord". This has been much discussion within the Christian community, esp the new Christians not totally down with the thought of fearing something they just subscribed to. So years of processing, discussing, reading, and experiencing I think I have found a way to describe for myself. I am not claiming this truth for everyone, but this is what it means to me at this point. I often lay in bed and let my imagination get the best of me. I dream up things so far outside of reality that it hasn't yet even been see...