Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

Well,  needless to say the past week has been a gut wrenching, devastating week. The pain in my chest is pretty consistent. Even though I feel like God and Robert talk to me and comfort me everyday, it doesn't relieve the pain in my heart. Its the discomfort that you know used to be in place, but now, through the death, has popped out of place. It is an interesting feeling when you know what it used to be like to have a joyful heart and now have a sorrowful one. I thank God and my family for being constant supports, but also all the people that have messaged me. The people that I thought were going to be there to take care of me are SO different than the people that showed up. Nothing wrong with that per say, but just odd. But maybe God needed it to be odd. I donno. I am a little concerned for my sanity though. I feel like I am hearing Robert just as much as I am hearing God. Now Robert is always talking about things that are just pointing me to God. So I don't know if this i...

Received news today about my brother that has been struggling with addiction for about 5 years now. He had checked into another treatment center yesterday but then this morning his roommates couldn't wake him up this morning and they had found out that he had passed. My mother pulled me and my sister out of yoga class and told us the news. Needless to say we were mortified. It wasn't 5 mins later God started spreaking. God, first and foremost told me He was with me. He was all around me, there was no where that my pain was where God was not. He then gave me a vision of Robert. It was like God was standing in front of me and then Robert popped out from behind Him. So filled with joy and laughter. God made it clear that it was the type of joy he would never receive on earth. It comforted me. God then said "This time, I wanted him". God had told me that He wanted Robert back. He had created Robert and this time He was going to take him. The tears continued but...

I guess I should start this one out by saying. Well. hmm. As I spend more and more time with God everyday I can begin to recognize the fruits of His spirit in me. I can see where He is helping, working and encouraging. I cannot begin to describe how grateful I am for God and His works in my life. But my only problem with this is that its His work in MY life. ME ME ME. There are a few prayers that I have prayed in my life that God has taken a hold of and at times made me regret praying it. The first one that I can really remember was "Break my heart for what breaks Yours". I mean honestly, I guess that was totally my doing, just asking for it. So then began the tears, coming along side those who were in pain, trying to "fix" things. That then turned into codependency, which then turned into a weekly support ground called alanon, which forever has changed my life. That is not really the point. It gave me a new understanding of Gods heart. I couldn't drive by a ...

I take comfort in reading many blogs. The reason being is because it doesn't seem like anyones road with God is easy. I am not asking for an easy road though, I can handle what is thrown at me. But what I crave is a better understanding of God. Seeing His place, His hand in the mist of it all. I have had many people tell me "one time I was going through this really hard time and I got this verse in my head and I went to it and it was exactly what I was going through, it was such a divine moment with God". Apparently I am a spoiled brat, cause clearly I am super excited for whoever is telling me this but my next question to them would always be "how many times has that happened to you?" there response "once". Uh oh. I felt like my relationship with God always needed more and more and more. Was I worshiping enough? Was I listening enough? Because when people would tell me these beautiful stories of insight into peoples lives, or prayers they had praye...

Its a really scary feeling when you take a step back and look into your life and see that the only real thing that is keeping you alive is hope. When I think about the situations in my life and how hopeless they seem I wonder what it is that is keeping them hopeful. I realize that its God. God is the only thing that is pouring hope into each situation in my life, He is the one that gives me the energy and the drive to work through each situation with a steady pace. It worries me that it scares me that its God that is doing it. Of course as a prideful stubborn human being I want to be the one keeping my life afloat. But it is most defiantly God. The reason that worries me is because if I begin to separate myself from sitting in His presence, writing to Him, praying to Him, learning about Him, then most certainly my hope will dissipate. My friend Meegan was online the other week and we began chatting, the normal chats such as "how are you?" or "Any new boys in your li...