Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

Its hard to explain everything I feel when it comes to you. Its like at first is when I felt the most peace because I realized you were safe and with God. Laughing and playing and surrounded by incomprehensible love. Its like I knew it was better for you than anything this world had to offer but as time has gone on my thoughts have focused on wanting you back. People are still slowly finding out and giving me their condolences. The only thing I want to bring them is comfort, even though they are trying to comfort me I know how much they must be hurting as well because you were unforgettable. Its like I can handle talking about you for so long before I know a breakdown is coming. Ill be working and everything will be fine and then something will trigger and then I will be in the bathroom praying my life back together. I cannot have this happening on sets ROBERT! Writing to you really helps me. I pretend that you are either answering me or making fun of me. All of my memories of yo...

I am talking about you, you, you, you and oh crap, me. God has been trying out this new thing with me where he slaps me across the face with goodness. Its like the type of slap where you stumble backwards, grab your face and then run and hug Him. For those of you who haven't felt an underlying feeling through my blog, I have a problem being a little bit angry with men. I am not going to go in depth into all the reasons, that is not what this blog is about. But I have been going to counseling for the past month or so for my issues. My counselor is amazing, she is so soft and understanding with me and didn't look at me weird last week when I turned into a bubbling weakness basket full of tears. Well last rewind to a couple weeks ago when I was at Bethel. Bill Johnson was speaking on  reading the Bible through the eyes of love and if it is not done so then it can often get skewed and turned into something its not. Well he focused on the verse that speaks about a woman submit...

Dangit. So I have known since 11 this morning that I was to write this today and I have been putting it off all day because it is somewhat exhausting spilling a hearts worth of emotions into words. But here I am, just for you, sitting to write. So I have been going to this church Bethel lately and I am pretty sure I have mentioned it in earlier blogs. If not, I will just give you the quick version of my history with Bethel. I grew up in a super conservative church, not much freedom with God. Then there is Bethel..... where the freedom is uncompromisable. So considering my childhood church and the mindset it gave me all I did was judge Bethel and those who went there. They were too comfortable in front of God, from what I was taught He was looking down on you waiting for you to step out of line and then punish you. So Bethel needed to be punished for all of their weirdos. haha. Well as time went on I came to the realization that I am a weirdo and if my relationship with God was goin...

Ok, I don't exactly know where to go with this but I felt lead to write it so I am going to spew out some words on this page. A few nights ago I was invited to go to a show at a local coffee shop in town. At first I wasn't going to go because I knew that if I went I would have to interact with people... most specifically... guys. Don't get me wrong here everyone, I love me so guys. But, when it comes to talking to them I find myself a little "who invited the homeschool girl" with what I say. Not because I am boring or sheltered in someway, but because I clearly have no idea was social appropriateness is about. I wish I could think of an example off the top of my head, but considering its late I might have already laid my brain down to sleep, got it its warm milk and tucked it in. I am sure that my mom can think up some funny interactions with boys, you know the kind of interactions that later she has to convince them that she did NOT lock me in a broom closet wi...

As my tears find the pillow that prop my defeating thoughts I grasp the words of my God and hope they seep into my heart As I hear laughter afar and see the blush fill faces to only see love that for me, has never been tasted my pain brings me here where you find your comfort it is through my suffering that you find your strength to move on my tired heart wants rest I pray patience to wait for whats best Lord I feel torchured to spend another winter holding myself building myself for the man who has not appeared i lay in bed my hands cold from the isolation of the one who is missing come find my hands hold them till they wrinkle let them grow old in your embrace kiss them and love them for they have held nothing tighter than to the promise that you will come as I lay in this bed the covers resting on my pain I ask you Lord what do I have to gain? 10 more years of attending weddings all alone to cheer those on for what life brings them t...

Got your attention huh? Well this has nothing to do with me thinking that God is a monster. I'll just let you know that now. So if you are an atheist that is drooling at the possibility of me not believing anymore I will just say now, you are going to be disappointed.  I have been reading Donald Millers books lately. I read a million miles in a thousand years and then am currently finishing blue like jazz. In recent pages he is talking about the "fear of the Lord". This has been much discussion within the Christian community, esp the new Christians not totally down with the thought of fearing something they just subscribed to. So years of processing, discussing, reading, and experiencing I think I have found a way to describe for myself. I am not claiming this truth for everyone, but this is what it means to me at this point. I often lay in bed and let my imagination get the best of me. I dream up things so far outside of reality that it hasn't yet even been see...

Alright, I had an opportunity to catch a ride with a friend to Reno this weekend to go visit a friend. If I were to be completely honest here, I really wanted to just go see Reno. I hadn't been there since I was nine and I wanted to see if my opinion of it was any different. I remember it being this wannabe Vegas that somehow contracted moldy AIDS so needless to say if there was a possibility of me changing my mind then I would take it. Welp, it was exactly how I remember. This sad depressing town that had only a whisper of joy and laughter. Something probably only created by substances and gambling. While in this casino filled wasteland my friend decided to hit up some slot machines. Now I feel the same about gambling as I do about Reno. I dislike. BUT, I thought maybe I was doing wrong, since I am the personality type that would really like it. So I decided to give it another try. Now correct me if I am wrong but what the hell is the fun in putting a $20 in a slot machine and j...

It was not until Roberts memorial that I REALLY knew how much impact he had in other peoples life. As we began the process of grieving and finding the best way to honor his life, these people would pop up out of nowhere. They would offer time, money, songs, prayers, hugs, and memories. I can say I was truly in shock of whom came out of the darkness to speak of Roberts light. We first had his memorial in Redding to invite those whom knew him when he lived in town. There were people that traveled from both north and south to be at his memorial. As we listened to our Pastor try to create the image of actually knowing who Robert was, I thought, this is not all that can be said about him. And then came the personal speeches. My mom went up to speak and she of course had written something heartfelt about the pain of a mother losing her child. She went on to speak about addiction and how serious it became and how even though you can act like you are prepared for a tragedy such as this, your...

Well,  needless to say the past week has been a gut wrenching, devastating week. The pain in my chest is pretty consistent. Even though I feel like God and Robert talk to me and comfort me everyday, it doesn't relieve the pain in my heart. Its the discomfort that you know used to be in place, but now, through the death, has popped out of place. It is an interesting feeling when you know what it used to be like to have a joyful heart and now have a sorrowful one. I thank God and my family for being constant supports, but also all the people that have messaged me. The people that I thought were going to be there to take care of me are SO different than the people that showed up. Nothing wrong with that per say, but just odd. But maybe God needed it to be odd. I donno. I am a little concerned for my sanity though. I feel like I am hearing Robert just as much as I am hearing God. Now Robert is always talking about things that are just pointing me to God. So I don't know if this i...

Received news today about my brother that has been struggling with addiction for about 5 years now. He had checked into another treatment center yesterday but then this morning his roommates couldn't wake him up this morning and they had found out that he had passed. My mother pulled me and my sister out of yoga class and told us the news. Needless to say we were mortified. It wasn't 5 mins later God started spreaking. God, first and foremost told me He was with me. He was all around me, there was no where that my pain was where God was not. He then gave me a vision of Robert. It was like God was standing in front of me and then Robert popped out from behind Him. So filled with joy and laughter. God made it clear that it was the type of joy he would never receive on earth. It comforted me. God then said "This time, I wanted him". God had told me that He wanted Robert back. He had created Robert and this time He was going to take him. The tears continued but...

I guess I should start this one out by saying. Well. hmm. As I spend more and more time with God everyday I can begin to recognize the fruits of His spirit in me. I can see where He is helping, working and encouraging. I cannot begin to describe how grateful I am for God and His works in my life. But my only problem with this is that its His work in MY life. ME ME ME. There are a few prayers that I have prayed in my life that God has taken a hold of and at times made me regret praying it. The first one that I can really remember was "Break my heart for what breaks Yours". I mean honestly, I guess that was totally my doing, just asking for it. So then began the tears, coming along side those who were in pain, trying to "fix" things. That then turned into codependency, which then turned into a weekly support ground called alanon, which forever has changed my life. That is not really the point. It gave me a new understanding of Gods heart. I couldn't drive by a ...

I take comfort in reading many blogs. The reason being is because it doesn't seem like anyones road with God is easy. I am not asking for an easy road though, I can handle what is thrown at me. But what I crave is a better understanding of God. Seeing His place, His hand in the mist of it all. I have had many people tell me "one time I was going through this really hard time and I got this verse in my head and I went to it and it was exactly what I was going through, it was such a divine moment with God". Apparently I am a spoiled brat, cause clearly I am super excited for whoever is telling me this but my next question to them would always be "how many times has that happened to you?" there response "once". Uh oh. I felt like my relationship with God always needed more and more and more. Was I worshiping enough? Was I listening enough? Because when people would tell me these beautiful stories of insight into peoples lives, or prayers they had praye...

Its a really scary feeling when you take a step back and look into your life and see that the only real thing that is keeping you alive is hope. When I think about the situations in my life and how hopeless they seem I wonder what it is that is keeping them hopeful. I realize that its God. God is the only thing that is pouring hope into each situation in my life, He is the one that gives me the energy and the drive to work through each situation with a steady pace. It worries me that it scares me that its God that is doing it. Of course as a prideful stubborn human being I want to be the one keeping my life afloat. But it is most defiantly God. The reason that worries me is because if I begin to separate myself from sitting in His presence, writing to Him, praying to Him, learning about Him, then most certainly my hope will dissipate. My friend Meegan was online the other week and we began chatting, the normal chats such as "how are you?" or "Any new boys in your li...

"Oh you of little faith" That was written to me. I feel like I am growing and growing and growing with the Lord and then BOOM. "You of little faith". What I am realizing is I can have all the faith in the world but when I don't get what I want..... then its back into my hands. See I prayed a while back "God give me the faith that brings me to my knees" Which was practically asking "God strip away everything that I am comfortable with and see if I still love you". I felt like I was doing pretty well at accepting Gods will over mine. You know the whole moving back to redding, being poor, not having my best friends here, no industry here, feeling like I gave up my career and basically everything that makes my heart pitter patter. But now I am realizing, when God starts to take all those away, what does my heart pitter patter for? Is it God? Or do I long for those things of which I knew? Well let me just answer that for you. I CLEARLY long for al...

I don't even know how to start this one. Maybe ill just say "OUCH!" because that is what sparked it all. I think I have talked about in blogs past how I have struggled with a ongoing back injury since 2009. It is usually pretty tame but when it flares up it KILLS me! Well anyways I got a massage a little over a week ago from this woman named Shandy. My mom and sister have gone to her a couple of times and have told me the horrible stories of the painful things she does in order to relieve muscles of the pain. Well I went to her last week, sweating profusely before I even got there cause I was so nervous and she assured me that if I just communicate with her that she would do it lightly. Well after I got done I walked out like a dog with its tail between its legs because it was so painful, like I had bruises all over my back. But as she was massaging me she wast telling me there were numerous types of stress that our muscles hold onto. She said mine was emotional stress th...

God. Reason with me here. I was reflecting last night on my life, recent events and even just the big picture and this is not where I saw myself at 23. God I know that you didn't create me for ordinary and that is exactly what I feel like I am living. I know that you are taking me on an adventure, I know that, but this just feel ordinary. There is NOTHING wrong with ordinary, but I don't feel like it is for me. I was at work yesterday and I was talking to a client. She was saying that she moved here from san fransicso and that she used to where heels every day and now she wears nothing but pajamas. Then I started thinking about how someone recently referred to me as pajama Anna. Anyone that knew me 6 months ago would have never said that about me, I have always been one to express myself through fashion and style and as of lately I don't feel the need to. I know it has to do with living in redding but I shouldn't change me. Like today I decided to wear heels to work, an...

This blog will be a little lighter than that recent ones, I hope. It is just my thoughts, struggles, and learning process of debt. First off, I think that credit, loans, and finances is something they should def teach in depth in highschool. It was not taught when I went, not that I know of anyway, and it has affected my life in a negative way. Now I am not going to act like this wasn't TOTALLY my fault and I should have been the one to educate myself on this, but at the naive age of 18 that didn't sound too fun. So my point being in this paragraph is there should be better education on finances. Alright, here we go. So when I was 18 I was given a credit card with about a 700 dollar limit. So my parents said "here, this will help you build your credit" and so I thought ooooo spending money will help me in some way. Well lets see, 4 years of that later and now being hit with actually making the payments I am a little freaked and frustrated. I have been paying off my ig...

So. Just to make things light in the beginning of this I would like to say.... Mentally, the past week has been exhausting. My opinion of a vacation right now is to be put in a straight jacket, in a white padded room, and be allowed to scream and bang my head against the wall and just be normal for once, well, normal for a insane asylum. But for now, I have my room, my pillow, my Bible and my thoughts. Two nights ago around 1:30 in the morning I was laying down to go to sleep. I was somewhat in peace. I mean my thoughts are always racing at the end of my day and thats probably why it takes me so long to fall asleep but they were racing as usual. Well then all the sudden it felt like something from the inside hit my gut. It was almost like my heart had started yelling at my gut that something wasn't right. Then the floodgates were released, the lies took over. They went a little something like this "They're all lying Anna. You can trust no one, no one is worthy of your trus...

I do not have the time to begin to even skim the surface of how much shit ive been processing lately. My brain is exhausted from fighting what I have always known as truth and learning what is really true. The past couple of months have been filled with tears, regret, anger, wrestling with God, yelling at God, and then humbled by my Maker. I am just going to tell you about the past 24 hours and hopefully then you will begin to understand why I am so exhausted. To begin lets go back about a month. I sat in my bed, crying..... ok weeping because I began to feel.... well feel the unknown. I have been hurt in the past, hurt so bad it effects my relationships now, and not in a positive way. I have been living in fear of getting hurt that bad again. So God was revealing to me this night I was weeping how I have been surviving. He showed me a picture of this rickity wooden bridge that was so high up in the air that if the bridge was broken you would surely die. He showed me walking on this br...

Tonight I sit here with my heart completely broken for what has always broken yours. I come to you, calling on my knees, calling you my Groom, my lover, my comforter, my strength, my courage, my most consistent, my father, my enlightener, my best friend, my support, my covering, my shield, my sword, my walk, my dad. I declare you over my life. God take the fear away. Take the fear away take the fear away Thank you for shredding my pride and making me observant of how weakened I have become. God build me up, strip me down, disciple me, and free me. I no longer seek what this world wants. God I seek to love you and love others in your name. God you are so full of light and love and God I pray that you use me to deliver it to your people. I hate living in a society to where pain is quieted only to make sure nothing is distracted from the devils plan and to continue the seduction. God thank you for being a forgiving dad, for embracing me for who I am and not allowing shame to be a part of ...

Thank you God for being the only one to heal me. To show me where I can improve to become more like your loving son. Thank you for being the only one to guide me and for seeing me for who I really am and not what I am trying to be. Continue to show me your beauty and how to befriend you. I want to know where you want me to do your works through me and then turn and give you the glory. God continue to lead me right to your words of promise. They have brought so much hope. You are showing me what it looks like to be poor in the world but rich in the spirit. Normally this would be pulling me down but God you continue to poor into me and show me that I do not need money to survive, I do not need this earth to survive. I need You. Just You. I had a light bulb moment the other day. I was suffering pretty bad, in the ways of feeling poor and not being able to make bills and just over all breaking down and being so angry with God. Why is He bringing me through this, why am I stressing? Why is ...

As I sit here and weep and realize the suffering will never end, I feel weakened. I couldn't be more thankful that I am finally turning to the Bible in my time of need but also a painful realization. As Peter points out suffering should not be a huge surprise to any of us. We are "strangers" in a world where the war is winning. "Were Christians thrive, storm clouds may gather" Ah. I have to just take this in right now. Im already struggling as it is and can only help that through turning to Gods words and His promises for me will only strengthen me to handle more. Its hard to realize that im such a baby to suffering. I mean im not going to sit here and lessen the amount of hurt in my life because it was real to me. But if I were to compare it, I seem to have the life of a spoiled princess. I told God, I asked Him to give me the faith of someone who suffers. Where they were on their knees, begging for His face. I should have known then, right then, that I would s...