Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

So seems that my life has been a rollercoaster of faith. I try to keep sight of God and his work in and out of my life. I can surely celebrate the moments that I see his reward but the moments where I don't see sight of work soon is surely discouraging. And God, I do not resent you for your movement, whether I think its slower than I anticipated. I find progression to be a test in patience. Some days I feel as if I am no closer to my goals, now that may be a lie straight from the whispers of the devil. But its the day by day and wondering if God still has his thumb print in my life and if I am reflecting his work. Chelsea is moving home at the beginning of next month and boy does that just rip a wound right open. She's my best friend and when I followed God's confirmation for us to move in together He really knew what He was doing. But did I know what I was doing? Because I am such a relational person and could spend my days surrounded by people and go to sleep feeling full...

Now jobless I claim to want to live the grand adventure of God. But still with my own fears still very much in tact I guess I suppose I expected God to work around them. You know, like work on my level of knowledge and understanding. Well all too quickly when I turn to my Bible am I hit with the fact that the "Adventure" i'm asking for is all too safe for what God truly wants for me and my life. I mean I have known for all too long what God wants me to do and the exact fear embedded right in the middle of that dream God has for me. I want to think of myself as this bad ass fearless human being that doesnt give a damn what anyone thinks, yet here I am, still sitting in the same shell, no hurry to crack myself out of it. Don't get me wrong, I can do things publicly that I know I am no good at, like sing loudly, dance oddly, paint stick figures, make stupid "thats what she said" jokes, I can do all that without care. But when I think of what makes me happiest.....