Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

Oh how God can simply remind me that I am the fearful one. He isn't scared. Why would He be scared? Im scared. While I was in LA I prayed and got some answers. I might not be ready but God sure as hell is. When I was told over a months ago with urgency to move back to LA I brushed it off as God leading me on. Exciting me for no reason. But while I was there I felt it, I felt the connection of God's words and my actions. They collided. My faith clicked. Its not God holding me back, its me. My fear of failure or even scarier..... my fear of success. I have fear of falling into the grips of Los Angeles and its demons. But like I always think, its easy not to fall and be full of faith in a monestary. Im being lead. I feel like im being walked down the aisle of life. Nervous to be given away. Second thoughts being stripped away with every step closer. I do. I cannot describe the feeling that rushes through a calm body when I hear Him. When He speaks to me its like im elevated above...

God I don't know what is missing in my life to make me want to shop so freaking much lately but its all I want to do. I mean I am pretty good if I am in the house but I even have dreams of shopping. Dreams of how good this would look with this and how cute I would feel. Not even saying that I want the feeling of feeling cute because I dont really have much of a reason to look cute. Maybe its just because I am finally coming into my curves and liking them. I want things that fit, and look good, accentuate some areas rather than always trying to hide everything. God help me take this shopping addiction lately away. I want to be fullfilled in other ways. Ways not so expensive :-]

Im starting to realize that most of you are full of lies. You will say what you need to get what you want. Isn't that how it works? I mean you will be sssooo quick to tell a girl she is beautiful, sexy, fun, and that you think about her all the time. But then you can continue to treat her however the hell you want. Whatever suits you right? Dont treat her how someone that is beautiful, fun, sexy, should be treated. Treat her however the FUCK you want. You don't think of her first. "I was thinking about you all day today baby" Oh really? Then why haven't you called? Or sent a text? "Baby, im sorry I didn't answer your text I was busy with some things" Well I don't think anyone can be too busy to send a text. "I like you but I just think that we should wait. But dont think I don't like you baby. Im not gonna be with any other girls" Oh really? Is that why I see pictures of you kissing other girls the next day? Shitbag!?!?! And you kno...

I cannot describe the feeling I had when I saw you that night at avocados. I didnt recognize you. I was scared, mad, worried, sick, hurt. I wanted to hug you so bad. Hug the drunkness out of you. I wanted you to see how much I love you. I wanted to some how make it visible to you so you would know you don't need anything else. You dont need an amount of alcohol or substance because you have my love. Nothing will ever change that. I dont love you less for what you did. I could never love you less. I starting thinking of all the ways you are an amazing father to me. I describe you as kind, quite, encouraging, adorable. I feel your love when you hug me, I know I do things that disappoint you but I want nothing more than for you to be happy and proud of me. I thought of the times when I was crying, and you come in, kinda awkwardly, you dont really have a lot to say, but the fact that you sit on the edge of my bed is enough. The little unsure pat you give on my back. It means the world ...

I have been struggling so much with God about why He has me here. I have no knowing purpose. I feel like packing my bags tomorrow and leaving. I know I can make such a bigger difference elsewhere. I see God needing me in other places. I see the need! But nothing is worse yet more beautiful than hearing the calling of God. I have been screaming, crying, begging, asking, demanding, wondering, what the hell God thinks He is doing. Why is He putting me through much anguish? Every day seems to get progressively worse. I can't even be at my own house right now without thinking im going to have a mental breakdown. Is this what you want for me God? Really? I thought you were supposed to be the one to take care of me. Yet here I am God, staying at my best friends moms house. Hanging on by threads of hope. Im dangling. Is this where you WANT ME GOD?!?!?!? WHY WONT YOU ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM BEGGING OF YOU GOD!!! LEAD ME. Ive been walking through the fire for too long God. Im slipping...