Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

Non of us had a perfect childhood. No person. We all come out with deformities of the mind. Our perception is never perfect on everything. We all live and learn and some don't learn enough. I have talked to a good friend this week about possibly going to counseling. I view it as a weakness. Which might be a bad perception of the childhood. She said to me "I think we all need counseling. Non of us are perfect, no body knows exactly how to take care of the heart, how to take care of the mind, how to take care of the body, how to take care of one another. Its really not our fault. God helps us with each of these, He helps us even out each weakness we have. To make them stronger. What really is the worst is that the things that happen to us that I feel are never going to be repaired. Like our first real rejection. Our first real big mistake. Our first real dive into wrong decisions. But lets start with our first real love. Call it love. Call it stupidity. It still hurts. Sean, To ...

So I was at the Bethel prayer chapel last night and wrote this little tid bit about hope. About how if God were to give me nothing else I pray He gives me hope. Hope through it all. Hope that he knows what He is doing. Well then I realized I don't really take him up on that. That if I truely wanted it I need to live it. Well fear is almost opposite of hope right? I live in fear. In great, deep, undeniable fear. Fear of never finding love. Never finding someone that is gonna love me for who I am. Just plain never finding anyone and ending up alone. Its sad to say and unfair to say that any affection shown towards me can be taken sometimes too intensly. I savor it, I want to find more. I don't want to really say its because im a pathetic girl, I think its because im really just scared shitless. Scared shitless that its the last affection I will ever see. I know what your thinking "ok anna, way to be emo" But honestly its something deep in my heart, that throbs, that bur...