Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

It was appointed to you before you were conceived It was woven into your bones It was the fabric that created you Its the inspiration behind everything you do Its the piece of My heart that stays with you always Care, Kindness, Mercy It is a path with pain It is a road with confusion It is a road with suffering They will know you for your kindness They will know you for your mercy They will remember you for your compassion When it is too hard to forgive Take my heart and where it as a cloak over yours When you feel battered and too stubborn to forgive Remember the one who sent you Find strength in the Father Find shelter in My arms When forgiveness is looked as weakness Don't look to the world to confirm your strength Look to me Care is a battlefield In a world of hate Kindess is a weapon That the world does not often see But when it is used in battle It defeats hate It relinquishes hateful ambition and allows for peaceful freedom Forgiveness bre

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?? I, in many sense, am supposed to be this great Christian girl. That did most of the right things and definitely knew all the right answers. I waited 24 years to date and then I married that man. You know, such a delightful story to the rigid ears of "Christians" looking for a good story to get them off, spiritually of course. "Oh my gosh, what a love story" -If you only heard the story "What a blessing" -Indeed, there has been no hard work involved "When are you going to have cute kids?" -Here, there is my uterus, you just tell me "You and Bobby should be pastors, you are so real" -I feel hidden "I haven't seen you at church in a while" -I have life outside of church. shit. Just to preface this blog, as I usually like to preface before I am about to spew out something that will make me sound or look terrible. I am a professional makeup artist and I just flew from California

Before I go into explaining the way that I feel, I should let you know some things about me. I LOVE WOMEN. Like I love everything about them. I love their gentleness, mixed with their fierceness, sprinkled with their curiousity, and there soft hearts. I love sitting and chatting with them, going shopping with them, working through difficult situations with them, dancing with them, having girls night etc. Having solid friendships with women have been a huge part of my life. I pursue them, encourage them, challenge them, and lay my life down for the women who have done the same for me. Now, lets move onto marriage. My husband, my partner, my love. I cannot imagine life without him, nor do I need to. Bobby is by far one of my favorite people on the planet and I spend most of my time with him. However, since day one, he knew about my deep need for girlfriends. My nights to get dinner and chat, watch the Kardashians for hours, paint toenails (again) and the hour long phone calls/face time.

And as I went to run out the door, find the beach and pretend to give my problems to the wind, He said "it is time to find peace and serenity in your home" So here I am. In an empty, half-way cleaned house wondering, oh why am I here? Not like why am I on this earth, like the teenage questions which have already been answered. But like why am I here? Like sitting in my room, at my desk, without worship music, and yet so unsettled. My thoughts have not been my own lately. Like the devil has some how found a leak in the line that goes straight to my thoughts.  "Anna, throw them out, get rid of them, send them away" and like a boomarang they flew right back. I had a second to breath and feel like my self again but then, boom, back in the battle. The battle for my own thoughts? Crazy. Shes crazy Haven't you heard? Shes crazy. and I am I am so crazy in love with Jesus that any thing that gets in the way of me getting to hear my Fathers thoughts about me DRIVES ME CRA

So it probably wasn't till this last year that I realized how much of a feeler I am. Feeler meaning I can feel energies and people really well. Bobby could wake up in the morning and I could feel if he didn't sleep well, or I always can feel when he is being quietly mad with me. I can feel when people's intentions are not good. Or when someone is bullshiting me, especially selling me something. I always just thought it was normal, but my mom made me realize what a gift it is and not everyone has this gift. Well in coming into better understanding of this gift, I now can begin to understand also why I can get so upset or affected by something that is dark or violent. I have to be careful of what I expose myself to because I can take on the energy or the feeling if I am not being careful. It also explains why I can cry so quickly when I feel someone's pain. Like when someone is crying, crying with them is not super comforting. Like especially when it has nothing t

Its quite funny how things are revealed to you when you get a bit older. Or even worse, you realize what a shit head you were when you were younger. Take my trip to Australia and New Zealand for instance. I visited there when I was 16 on a school trip with my drama class. We went EVERYWHERE. Could I list all the cities? No. I just didnt know at the time what an amazing opportunity it was to travel for 15 days. I just looked at it as a fun trip with my drama friends. Now looking back I think what an idiot I was to not take time to really soak in the cities. But I didn't know any better I suppose.  Now when I travel I truely soak it all up. I wake up earlier than I normally do just to get a head start on the day. I dress up so the city can see the best of me, I drink my coffee slower, I walk slower (well depending on the city), and I literally stop to smell the flowers. Then you go home. Something I have noticed about my recent travels is that it gives me perspective. It helps me tak